Wednesday, June 15, 2011

100 Things About Me :: Regrets

They say “Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” But There are some things that I dont think cant make any better. Here are 10 things I regret. Some, time can heal, others time will never heal. I regret...

41. (My biggest regret & one I cant heal from) not meeting Tom's father. Tom has no clue how much I hate myself for not getting out east sooner. I met Tom IRL (in real life) January 1998. His father passed away June 1998. Tom lived 1.5-2 hours east of our college. I was dating someone at the time. I didnt drive. I put off going out there and it was one of my worst decisions. Had I only have known I would have married Tommy someday and that his father was going to pass away soon, I would have done anything to get out there to meet him. Now he lives on from stories and the few pictures we have. 

42. Mike T. Mike was one of my best friends. We were close. We even had a standing thing that if neither of us were married by 25, we'd marry each other. Sounds silly, huh?? Anyway, he brought out the best in me and I could totally be myself with him. One of my favorite wedding pictures is a picture of him & I dancing together. He never got to see the picture. Don't worry, he's alive and well. Apparently, me poking fun at the time about how he was going to church 3 times a week was enough to make him mad at me. So mad that after 10 years, he still wont forgive me. I cant help but think that he should have embraced the situation. He was the perfect vehicle to help me change my life and help me become closer to God. But, I think about him and how our kids could be loving each other, and how I could be friends with his wife, and how him & Tom could hang out (they actually did get along). He lives in Maryland (last I knew) and I'm in NC, so while we're not super close, at least we see each other. I completely miss him even after all these years.

43. Stopping twirling. I was a competitive baton twirler. I started when I was 8 and kept it up for another 4 years. My team was good. I was good. We were a nationally ranked team. Well, eventually you get good enough where they expect you to do 2 batons at once. I was 'meh' at it. Being I wasn't, really good at it, I didnt like to do it and I decided to quit. My parents never pushed me in any direction. They let me do what I wanted or stop when I wanted but a little push to stay in might have been good. Who knows where it could have brought me in life. 

44. Letting my ex-boyfriend have such a hold on me. The crazy things we do for love.

45. Not listening to my parents. They never wanted me to go anywhere where a boys parents weren't. Long story short, I went to a boys place with my friend and his friends when I shouldn't have and it ended in date rape.  

46. Not listening to Jenn better. I had a friend named Jenn. She, in fact, did have a pretty awful hand dealt to her in life. Another long story made short. I got married. I had a baby. She moved her and her son to Virginia to be with some guy she had met online. She was lone in Virgina and they ended up apart. She was stuck down there in a condo she bought with a wild son (he had medical/psychological issues) with nobody. We tried to keep in touch as best we both could. She begged for me to come visit but I didnt drive and  I couldnt afford to get me and my infant there. In October of 2005, we (Tom, CT & I) stayed in a condo in the Poconos. Jenn & I chatted online. I think she even called us there. She mentioned how she wanted to kill herself. She'd said it before just like a lot of depressed young adults do. She said she could do it. She could order insulin from Canada and it would be quick., I told her she was insane and to quit saying crap like that. That was all said online. We had a busy time planned for our mini family vacation. She tried to call once after that but I was too busy. That was teh last I heard from her. After a while I wondered what was up. She dint answer e-mails but sometimes, life takes hold and we aren't as connected (to the 'net) as we once were. So, time flew by. I got an e-mail from a stranger informing me that Jennifer committed suicide. It was the day after I spoke to her last. I cant help but wonder what if over and over again. I regret not being able to help her more even though I dont know if there was anything else i could have done. I, honestly, was an amazing friend to her and looking back, I'm proud because she needed someone on her side who was a good influence like I was. I miss you, Jenn!

47. Not fighting with my parents over what I wanted to do with my life. I told them I wanted to go to culinary school and they said it was stupid and wouldnt pay for it. I moved on. Sadly, food is my passion. 

48. Changing college majors. I was pre-med as a Bio-Chem major. While my biology grades were A's, my Chemistry were B's. I didnt know you could do med school or get a phd with B's! No one told me I didnt have to be perfect! No one told me that I didnt even have to be a pre-med major to go to med school! I wanted to do forensic genetics and it's still something I wonder about. 

49. Choosing the college I did. There is nothing wrong with the one I chose, especially when I switched to a business major (the Zarb School of Business is nationally ranked as one of the nation's top business schools). It's the REASON I chose it. I chose Hofstra because my ex didnt want me to leave and I dint want to leave him. He promised if I stayed local, we would get engaged soon. Being madly in love with him, I didnt even consider some of the other schools I got into like SUNY Plattsburgh. Ultimately, I met my best friend and soulmate at Hofstra, but I hate that I didnt allow myself other options. 
50. Being a Wallflower. I still kinda am. I am always the quiet/reserved girl in the background. This lack of connection is out of fear/anxiety/just not actually fitting in and it has robbed me of so many chances and opportunities. I wish I was able to be more of a participant in life rather then the observer I've always been.

No comments: