Thursday, September 22, 2011

My son the robot

Nothing new.
Same old CT as he always was.
I guess I hoped with age he'd grasp certain concepts and change.

Well, after 7-`1/2 years, my son is still a robot.
Albeit a whiny, nasty robot, but still just a robot.

He has no feelings.
He has no regard for other people's feelings.
He doesn't know boundaries, so he's beyond trying to test them.
He does NOT learn from his mistakes.

He is SUPER smart.
He taught himself to read at 2-1/2.
He can spell words he's never seen before or are totally not age-appropriate (ie doxycycline).
He can figure out other languages when he sees them on paper.
He's a remarkably smart kid.

He's just so.... UGH!
How can a kid who woke up at 7 already have me past my daily pissed-off limit by 8?
I have a high I-can-take-a-lot-of-bleep threshold but he gets me right to mine so quickly!

I am just at a loss of what to do with this kid.
Talk about feeling like a complete and total failure!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Are there things you can't tell your spouse?

I married my best friend.
We didn't really ever date; I dated other people.
We were best friends.

Being best friends, we were open with each other.
Coming from my last 2 relationships, I learned a lot.
I learned what was important to me was:
not losing who I truly am for anyone, not having to hide anything, and listening to my heart.

I never kept anything from Tommy.
There was never a reason to.
He loved me for who I was underneath... and preferred me that way:
no make-up, comfy clothes, sneakers, glasses, hair left curly.
There was nothing I could tell him that would change anything between us.

I remember going to Vegas (which happened to be a turning point in our relationship for me) with him for his close friend's wedding. I dont remember it all, but I remember finding out  he lost some serious cash (I'm talking over a grand) gambling. He didn't tell me. I found out from some of the other guys who were out with him at the time. Anyway, he hid it from me and I was soooooo mad that he did. Not that he lost the money (I mean it annoyed me to lose money but it wasn't mine so how could I be mad), but that he felt he had to hide it from me. I hated that feeling. I made a big deal of it right there on the casino floor. I expressed how he never has to hide things from me and I hope he hasnt' since. But that day, really showed me how open I wanted us to be (and how much I cared about him which is a whole different story).

Years have gone by.... almost 14 since we met and 11 since that Vegas trip.
We got married.
Struggled with life challenges.
Had 3 precious boys.

Life happens.
No one can deny that no matter what we plan, life happens.
Stress happens no matter how much you try to not let it happen.

Stress changes people and things.
Stress changes who we are... snapping at kids, letting words that shouldn't hurt, hurt.

So, for the sake of not adding more stress, I keep things to myself.
Nothing major, of course, just little things.
I don't need him to feel bad about himself or about where we are in life because of me.
So I keep them to myself and cry to myself.
Stupid, petty, material things!
So what prompted this question?
A family friend celebrated their 20th anniversary! yay!
her usually clueless husband bought her a ring that has 20 small/tiny diamonds around the band for the 20-years they've been married.
I cried when I saw it (online).
I was so happy for her, and for them... but I cried for me because while I dont need something like that to know he loves me, I stupidly want something like that!

We'll be married 10 years next month!
We always talked about getting remarried in Vegas for our 10-year anniversary.
It still seemed possible until about 6-years in as we had more and more kids :)
Then I still hoped we could but knew we'd have to scale down.
I kept trying to justify doing something  special/important to us but getting cheaper and cheaper.
Here it is, a month before our anniversary and we can't do anything but be together (which I know is all that matters, I know it is all that matters ultimately and i wish I didnt feel this way, like ever).
My mom's group decided to do an adult Halloween party and it is our anniversary night.
I was backing off from it, but figured that we wouldn't be doing anything else so why not.
Then, I got the idea of going as a bride & groom since it's our wedding anniversary... we'd be dressed like we were 10 years prior but this time the zombie versions of us! :)
Now the challenge of finding a CHEAP wedding dress that will actually fit me comes in - should be interesting.

Anyway, My heart secretly dreams that I get something special or he has some plans he's been hiding, but my brain knows there is no way that either of those could happen.
I can't tell him I cry - everyday - over things  not just that but things.
I cant rell him because he gets mad and then we fight, and then he feels like crap and I hate him hurting.

So ultimately, it comes down to this:
I never thought I'd hide anything from Tommy but I have to.

Do YOU hide ANYTHING from your significant other?