Friday, August 6, 2010

Nobody makes Baby Sit in the Corner!

That's the phrase I thought of recently when "talking" to my friend Jay.
I met Jay when I was 12... so yes, 20 years ago!!!!
We kinda ran with different circles but his "bad-ass"ness and my goody-goody attitude kinda fit together in a brother-sister kinda way.
His locker was next to mine in high school.
He'd "protect" me from the guys and he'd give me a hug when I was feeling bad.

We used to talk pretty openly on GoogleTalk about 2-3 times a month.
He's married. No kids.
I'm very happily married with 3 of the most gorgeous boys you can find.
We talked about work.
We talked about his wife wanting kids.
We talked about his art.
We talked about my work.
We talked about the kids.
We talked about stress and money.
We talked. period.

He's a friend on facebook too.
His wife doesn't know me.
We lost contact somewhere after high school and found each other after I was here in NC.
I reply to his FB posts sometimes but we didnt talk on FB much because I dont say too much in depth stuff on there.
When i need to talk to someone, it certainly aint on FB for the world to see.
So we used GoogleChat for anything substantial.
His wife didn't (doesn't) like when I'd post on his FB page.
One that really annoyed her (and made him delete and comments I made following that day) is when Tom & I were in Vegas this past June.
I made a comment on how it would be so much more fun with Jay and his wife there.
Vegas is great! I love Vegas. We love Vegas.
Vegas seems like so much more fun with more people... a bunch of single girls/guys, or a few couples together.
Jay (I can't vouch for his wife since i dont know her but she did marry Jay) is the type of person we'd need to bring us out of our shell and really fully enjoy our first kid-free time ever.
She did NOT like that at all apparently.
Dude! I said me and my hubby want her and her hubby here. That's bad? WTF? Psycho.

So now the only way for us to "talk" after this had to be off Facebook.
I had enough one day when i made a totally innocent comment on his FB page in response to his status.
he erased it right away.
That was my last straw!

I am in a place now where I am not a hidden friend!
I had that.
I was very uncool in elementary school.
A popular girl liked me.
So much so, we were almost inseparable out of school and we were best friends without a doubt.
In school, she'd be mean to me just like the rest of her clique.
She wasn't allowed to be friends with me.
Having no other friends, it was better than nothing because when she was with me, I had her whole heart.
Thinking back, if she did love me as a friend, it had to have hurt her to be mean to me almost as much as it hurt me that she acted that way.
Anyway, that was a long time ago and I've learned so much along the way.
One thing being, I refuse to be a "secret" friend ever again.

My LLB Girls (close friends of mine that are all over the country (and even some in Canada and Australia)) have been having bad luck lately. Bad luck with their spouses.
Husband's cheating seems recurring on our boards.
One friend in particular is going through this all at this time.
One of the last people you'd want this to happen to.
Someone who I know will be OK after all is said and done because her strength has been tested over and over and she always overcomes with love and a smiling heart.
But this in my head is rattling around.

Jay's wife wont let him to talk to me on FB (the only way she knows we talk).
If she ever found out how in depth he ever spoke to me, they might not exist anymore.
I refused to be part of that.
I told him I wont do it.
Either she knows, or we dont talk.
He told me it was his problem and not mine - that if he got caught that he'd be the one in trouble.
Yeah, but it would be MY fault. I'd be the reason.
Granted, we spoke openly but seriously as friends!
He asked how Tom feels about it.
Tom knows I love him more than most people get to experience in their lifetime.
We have something really special and anyone who really knows us, knows we were meant to be together.
i am a jealous person mainly because of my past but when it comes down to it, I KNOW Tom would never ever hurt me.
I know that he feels the same.
He trusts me.
I would never break his trust and potentially ruin one of the best things ever.

I kept thinking of Dirty Dancing and the quote (that hubby loves to quote) "Nobody puts Baby in the corner".
That's how I felt.
Like I was being stuck in a corner so no one would see me.
Nobody sticks me in a corner!

I haven't spoken to him in weeks and unless him and his wife split (which I feel WILL happen just not right now - from what I have heard about everything, they do not work together very well), he's just a thing in my past.
Which is sad.
He's one of the people who wasn't around much, but made a big print on my heart.
He was there when I needed him back in HS with a hug and laugh to make sure i knew things were OK (i was very manic-depressive-like then).
He helped me get through those days and I will forever be grateful.
But I am not a hidden friend.
I grew up.


James'momma said...

I will NEVER hide fact, I show my friendship with you...with as much pride and joy as I can.
LOVE you!

Shauna said...

I agree with your decision, Tara. Something's going on in their relationship. Somehow, someway, she's been in a relationship where she's been hurt...possibly by him, who knows. The fact is, and this may be hard to hear about someone near and dear to your heart, it really shows his character (or lack of it) if he's willing to jeopardize his marriage by hiding his platonic relationship with you. What else has he hidden from her? Why does she mistrust him so? Like you, I would end contact with anyone my husband did not feel comfortable with me staying in contact with because my devotion and priority is him and our marriage. He knows this and therefore trusts me. I am FB friends with an ex from HS (he contacted me prior to FB) and I never ever hid anything about the contact from my husband. If my husband was uncomfortable with the contact, I would have ended it...period. Same is true for any of my other guy friends. If he loves his wife, he would respect her feelings. Honestly, his priority should and needs to be his marriage not his friendship with you. Even though you knew him well in HS, the truth is, you don't really know who he is now. Sure, you've had contact online but that's not the same as having a face to face relationship with him like you had back in the day. You just don't know what the truth of the situation is and good for you for not wanting to be in the middle of all of that.