Monday, June 7, 2010

Holding onto a dream

Y'all will probably find it sad that I've never really had friends. I checked Facebook while waiting on a print job and saw a member of my mom's groups' recent photo album. It wasn't anything special other than Corn Hole "Championship" at someone's house. I clicked because I knew some most of the gals. Staring at the pictures, I cried. Knowing I've tried for years upon years to gain friends like that and it never happens. Here i am, in a group for 2+ years giving it my all, and I'd never even be inkling of a thought in most of these people's minds to include me in anything. I'm 32 and I have people I call "friends" but no one that would call and say, "hey, let's go get a drink" or "hey, let's go get a pedi" or "wanna come watch a movie and our kids can play?" Nothing.

I guess I should be grateful for the Internet. It has brought me some great friends... more than great but I dont know a word that would fit. Sadly, they live states away and some in other countries. Kind of hard to lean on a friend who so far away and most whom you've never met in person. While I treasure these people and while they have supported me through more crap than anyone else (besides my husband), I can't hug them, have a drink with them, see them blow out their birthday candle, hold their hand and have a picture together to stare at when I feel down.

I try to be a good person. I guess I have to give up on the dream of having friends like that. Closest person  who lives here who is like that, isn't planning on staying here. She's here temporarily with her husband's job and she'll move soon enough. I can't let myself get attached to having that "dream" friend only to have her leave in a few months.

Pity party for me. yeah, bust out the tiny violin. I know it could be worse. I get that. Doesn't really make it hurt any less though.


Shauna said...

Tara, I SOOOOOO know how you feel. Making/having friends has always been something that's never come easily for me and I can't figure out why. I've just decided that there are people out there that are just "people magnets." I am not (apparently) one of them. I know most of my "problem" is I'm so shy...I never know what to say. Many folks who work with me don't agree that I'm shy but that's because I'm not shy with kids....mine or other people's. Teaching, for me, gives me an outlet to be outgoing, creative and most importantly myself without worrying what other's impressions of me are. I'm fortunate to have 2 younger sisters who really and truly are my best friends. We've had our ups and downs but I can count on them to make an effort to hang out with me and actually seem like they WANT to! :) I have a HS best friend but she lives in FL and sometimes it's even hard to get along with her when we do get together because she's the polar opposite of me. Just keep your chin up, try to let it roll off your back and focus on what you do have. You ARE a great person! And next time I'm in need of some "girl time", I'm messaging you! :)

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel.
I'm sorry I'm not closer for us to hang out more often. I'd definitly ask you to go get a pedi...or watch a movie with me (though, I know you'd fall asleep..;)
We need to get together agian soon. It sucks we live so far away from eachother. I just wanted to let you know, i'm just a text/phone call away.
love ya!