Holding onto a dream

Y'all will probably find it sad that I've never really had friends. I checked Facebook while waiting on a print job and saw a member of my mom's groups' recent photo album. It wasn't anything special other than Corn Hole "Championship" at someone's house. I clicked because I knew some most of the gals. Staring at the pictures, I cried. Knowing I've tried for years upon years to gain friends like that and it never happens. Here i am, in a group for 2+ years giving it my all, and I'd never even be inkling of a thought in most of these people's minds to include me in anything. I'm 32 and I have people I call "friends" but no one that would call and say, "hey, let's go get a drink" or "hey, let's go get a pedi" or "wanna come watch a movie and our kids can play?" Nothing.

I guess I should be grateful for the Internet. It has brought me some great friends... more than great but I dont know a word that would fit. Sadly, they live states away and some in other countries. Kind of hard to lean on a friend who so far away and most whom you've never met in person. While I treasure these people and while they have supported me through more crap than anyone else (besides my husband), I can't hug them, have a drink with them, see them blow out their birthday candle, hold their hand and have a picture together to stare at when I feel down.

I try to be a good person. I guess I have to give up on the dream of having friends like that. Closest person  who lives here who is like that, isn't planning on staying here. She's here temporarily with her husband's job and she'll move soon enough. I can't let myself get attached to having that "dream" friend only to have her leave in a few months.

Pity party for me. yeah, bust out the tiny violin. I know it could be worse. I get that. Doesn't really make it hurt any less though.

so tired

I am almost beyond words at this point.

I am just so at a loss of what to even do in my life anymore. I love Tom but I hate how he treats the kids - like they're something that drags his life down not the blessing that they are. He can't deal with any of it EVER and every damn day is another yelling fest where he mentally brain-fucking my kids. It's just not fair to them and I honestly have no idea why they love him and idealize this man so much. He's suck a prick to them. Then one of his twitter friends tweets how he's been working hard and misses his kid and how he's gonna go home and play cars with him! Why are my sweet babies are stuck with someone who over and over again can't understand that they are fucking only 2, 4, and 6! They are not teenagers or adults and can not behave the way you want! UGH!

So yeah, writing this from a dark bathroom in the Westin at another vacation ruined. He doesn't know why he bothers to "do nice things" for the boys... I just wonder why I even bother with him at all anymore.

no iPhone!

My nightmare has come true! The item I fought against and never thought anyone needed but then I got and realized one of the best inventions has pretty much bit the dust!

You have heard of people being "Unplugged" for music but that's me now... 3 kids driving around with no means of communication including a simple cell phone. Kinda scary now that I am used to being able to call on a whim.

Anyway, long story short, my touch screen does not work so I can't answer calls or do ANYTHING on the phone besides make the screen come up that tells me to unlock the damn thing. Oh how I wish I could unlock it!

So, y'all missed my day. Here it is:

leave at 8:30 am to pick up L and wait in carpool.
drop of C & L at school.
drive to Target with H & C to look at clothes & bathing suits (for them mainly).
go to Old Navy and return exchange some items (side note: I have more to return again)
go to Chick-Fil-A (now it's 10:40 am). Kids play and we have to wait until after 11:00 am so I can get my new, free Spicy Chicken Sandwich. We get food, they graze and play. Some friends arrive. We chat. When we're ready to leave I get informed Owen shoved his shoe in a place one should not go. SO after about 20 minutes, we retrieved the "lost" Croc (thanks head-like Chick-Fil-A dude!).
Arrive home at 1:00 and put O down for his nap. make phone calls, answer e-mails.
Cole gets home at 2:45 and I wake the baby up, pack, and we're out the door to Grandma's by 3:15.
Kids at Granny's and I head (alone!!) to Sears at at the mall (right where i was with Old Navy & Target earlier) to get sneakers (which I haven't had a pair of in seriously about 4 years).
I leave Sears in a torrential downpour at 4:05.
I go about 2 miles to get my cat and arrive at 4:25 (I told ya it was raining hard).
I drive slowly-like home while talking to my newly spayed kitty.
I bring her home, set-her up and be with her before i Leave again.
At 5:10, I leave to go get the boys and return at 5:50.
Then I make dinner and try to do some work...

here. i. am.

Yup.... that's my life.. running circles all the time!

Uncensored

The point of being blabby is to say what's on my mind. I tend to NOT post so I don't hurt anyone's feeling. Well, F-Them!

SO, my complaint now is my husband. If there was ever a need for anger management classes, he is the epitome of who should be taking the class. One tiny thing sets him off and he's "off" for a while. He's like a tornado and anything in his path gets his wrath including the precious kidlets. I hate that in him. It really makes me doubt our life as a couple when these blow-ups happen which is at least 3 times a week. He yells at the kids for being kids. He gets mad when I ask him things he's supposed to do. But then he smiles at me, or hugs me, or just is non-crazy self and I melt all over again.

Sigh.

Memorial Weekend 2010

Memorial Day commemorates U.S. men and women who died while in the military service and is Monday the 31st. The rest of this 4-day weekend is Memorial weekend and here it starts the big cook-out season.

AT 8:00 this morning, I started cooking a nice-sized Boston Butt for some pulled pork barbecue. I have ribs boiling right now to be grilled up later this evening. We got Tons of hot dogs (including lots of local pink/red ones) and even the hot dog chili.

Throwing stuff on  the grill and having a cook-out. That's what the summer is here in this house. Days when Mom prepares the food and Dad cooks it.

Happy beginning of Summertime!

Only good enough....

I finally get it.

I am only good enough for "friends" who have transplanted from NY to NC until they make new friends. I am good enough to drive to and hang out with until they get settled into their place and then I get pushed aside and suddenly, I am too far away. I am good enough to go help "friends" unpack their stuff from their move but not good enough to ever make it to my kids birthdays.

I get it. I am only good enough until something better comes along. You'd think knowing people for over 25 years would merit some respect, some sort of decency but alas, they lost their class staying in NY too long apparently.

I probably shouldn't worry about it and dwell on it but it's annoying. They're probably not worth it anyway, right? I still feel like I get stabbed in the heart each time I see them post on Facebook or the like.

I am better than that. I have to believe that. I dont need them. I need to tell myself that over and over. yeah, right.

Caramel Frappuccin-uh-oh! Someone put a cupcake in my frappe!!

So my entry into the 2010 Ice Cream Cupcake Roundup sponsored by the Cupcake Project and Scoopalicious was inspired by my love of Starbucks.

Originally, I intended this entry to taste like a caramel Macchiato, which, as Starbucks proudly states, consists of "creamy vanilla-flavored syrup, freshly steamed milk with a topping of velvety-rich foam, an intense hit of Espresso Roast, and a finishing of buttery caramel drizzle". Sounds yummy, right?

Well, after making the cupcake, which is amazing & I will detail after, my guinea pig husband and I concluded it was more like our favorite cold Starbucks beverage which is a Caramel Frappuccino. Again, for those who live under a rock,  a Frappuccino is a frozen drink that is made with bold coffee, ice, caramel (for a buttery sweetness), real whipped cream and drizzled with more caramel. Of course there is stuff in teh Frappuccino mix to make it the wonderful addiction that it is, but Starbucks won't quite tell ya that part. that's ok though,this cupcake tastes like it!

So, with it being said how we arrived at what it tastes like, the name.... It's like Cake & Frappuccino all in one. I seriously had my doubts of icing with ice cream and cake but OMG! These are seriously amazing! I cant wait to make them for my family who spend too much money on these frozen drinks.

Not only do they look pretty, they taste better than they look!

"What's in it already?" you ask. "How is it made?"

CUPCAKE (recipe here): It's a semi-airy coffee & vanilla cupcake. It's made with pure vanilla, fresh, stong coffee, and coffee grounds. It tastes wonderful on it's own. But then sandwiched in the middle of the coffee cupcake is ice cream. Since the cupcake was cut in half (to "sandwich" the ice cream), it was brushed with the strong coffee for added coffee flavor much ion the way one does for tiramisu.

ICE CREAM: It's vanilla bean ice cream with coffee beans as well swirled with homemade caramel. Frozen on a sheet pan and cut with a circle cookie cutter.

CARAMEL (recipe here): So easy to make and the taste is worth it! Also used to drizzle on top of the whipped cream.

CARAMEL CREAM CHEESE BUTTERCREAM BLISS (recipe here): As I have said in the post with the recipe, this is a MUST TRY! It is just amazing and almost leaves those who try it with no words. I topped this off with whipped cream.

WHIPPED CREAM: Extra heavy Whipping Cream and a tiny amount of white sugar whipped until it's perfect. Then it's drizzled with the homemade caramel sauce.

Got that? Cupcake, Coffee, Ice Cream, Cupcake, Coffee, Frosting, Whipped Cream, Caramel.

Now the pretty picture y'all have been waiting for......

Caramel Frappuccin-uh-oh! Someone put a cupcake in my frappe!!

So my entry into the 2010 Ice Cream Cupcake Roundup sponsored by the Cupcake Project and Scoopalicious was inspired by my love of Starbucks.

Originally, I intended this entry to taste like a caramel Macchiato, which, as Starbucks proudly states, consists of "creamy vanilla-flavored syrup, freshly steamed milk with a topping of velvety-rich foam, an intense hit of Espresso Roast, and a finishing of buttery caramel drizzle". Sounds yummy, right?

Well, after making the cupcake, which is amazing & I will detail after, my guinea pig husband and I concluded it was more like our favorite cold Starbucks beverage which is a Caramel Frappuccino. Again, for those who live under a rock,  a Frappuccino is a frozen drink that is made with bold coffee, ice, caramel (for a buttery sweetness), real whipped cream and drizzled with more caramel. Of course there is stuff in teh Frappuccino mix to make it the wonderful addiction that it is, but Starbucks won't quite tell ya that part. that's ok though,this cupcake tastes like it!

So, with it being said how we arrived at what it tastes like, the name.... It's like Cake & Frappuccino all in one. I seriously had my doubts of icing with ice cream and cake but OMG! These are seriously amazing! I cant wait to make them for my family who spend too much money on these frozen drinks.

Not only do they look pretty, they taste better than they look!

"What's in it already?" you ask. "How is it made?"

CUPCAKE (recipe here): It's a semi-airy coffee & vanilla cupcake. It's made with pure vanilla, fresh, stong coffee, and coffee grounds. It tastes wonderful on it's own. But then sandwiched in the middle of the coffee cupcake is ice cream. Since the cupcake was cut in half (to "sandwich" the ice cream), it was brushed with the strong coffee for added coffee flavor much ion the way one does for tiramisu.

ICE CREAM: It's vanilla bean ice cream with coffee beans as well swirled with homemade caramel. Frozen on a sheet pan and cut with a circle cookie cutter.

CARAMEL (recipe here): So easy to make and the taste is worth it! Also used to drizzle on top of the whipped cream.

CARAMEL CREAM CHEESE BUTTERCREAM BLISS (recipe here): As I have said in the post with the recipe, this is a MUST TRY! It is just amazing and almost leaves those who try it with no words. I topped this off with whipped cream.

WHIPPED CREAM: Extra heavy Whipping Cream and a tiny amount of white sugar whipped until it's perfect. Then it's drizzled with the homemade caramel sauce.

Got that? Cupcake, Coffee, Ice Cream, Cupcake, Coffee, Frosting, Whipped Cream, Caramel.

Now the pretty picture y'all have been waiting for......

Caramel Sauce (Butterscotch)

This is a simple and yummy sauce. Great for cakes with layers - just put a layer of this, then the filling, then the cake again and it's wonderful. It's also great on desserts and in coffee drinks!

Caramel Sauce

2/3 cup packed dark-brown sugar
3 ounces (6 tablespoons) butter, cut into pieces
1/2 cup light corn syrup
1/4 teaspoon coarse salt
1/2 cup heavy cream

Mix sugar, butter, corn syrup, and salt in a small saucepan over medium heat, and cook, stirring, until sugar dissolves. Bring to a boil, and cook for 2 minutes. Remove from heat, and whisk in cream. Return to heat, and cook for 2 minutes. Let cool slightly.

Caramel Cream Cheese Buttercream Bliss

When it came time to decide which option I should do for the Cupcake Roundup, I knew it had to have this frosting! I made this frosting for a client's butterscotch cake and it was totally to die for! Hubby, who is not a fan of frostings of any kid, was in pure happiness with it. I knew then, we had a keeper. 

The recipe came from Martha Stewart but in time I will adapt it and bastardize it so much it becomes almost unrecognizable. But I will always know in my heart, Martha is the one who started the best frosting ever.

This recipe was used before but now posted as they are part of my entry for the Cupcake Project & Scoopalicious'  2010 Ice Cream Cupcake Roundup. (posted separately).

Caramel Cream Cheese Buttercream Bliss

12 ounces unsalted butter (3 sticks), 1 stick left whole, 2 sticks cut into small pieces, softened

2 cups packed dark-brown sugar

1 cup heavy cream

1/2 teaspoon coarse salt

20 ounces cream cheese, softened

1/2 cup confectioners' sugar, sifted

1.  Melt 1 stick butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat until dark golden brown, about 10 minutes.
2.  Add brown sugar, cream, and salt, stirring until sugar dissolves.
3.  Bring to a boil, whisking constantly, and cook for 3 minutes.
4.  Transfer to a mixer bowl, and let cool.
5.  With machine running, add remaining butter, a few pieces at a time, and beat on low until incorporated.
6.  Raise speed to medium, and beat for 2 minutes.
7.  In another bowl, beat cream cheese and confectioners' sugar on medium-high until fluffy and smooth, about 3 minutes.
8.  Add brown-butter mixture to cream cheese, and beat until smooth.
9.  Cover, and refrigerate until chilled, at least 2 hours (or overnight, beating on low speed before using).