Saturday, March 19, 2011

Friendship....

It's been a long time and I am sorry. This post isn't about any excuses to me not writing, so I'm just going to leave it as, sorry it's been so long, my friend.

This post is about friendship and any lack thereof.

I can honestly say, God has blessed me with many "internet friends". People whom I have never met in real life. People who know me only by the words I type and the pictures I share. Some of these people know me really well. So well, that I can say something like, "doin' some thinkin'" and they know exactly what I am thinking about about and they make sure I am okay. If I dont show up online, I have people who actually care and worry. I have people who had found out how monetarily in a hole we were a few times and even thought they we're struggling themselves, they found a way to get a few dollars to me so I could buy milk and so I could put gas in my car to get kids to and from school. My husband has these friends to. Someone who will send toy cars to our kids. Someone who sends him comic things he likes. Someone who lent Tom money to be paid right back (waiting for something to clear). People who dont expect anything back other than gratitude. My hubby gets it since he has similar friends.

Many people don't understand how someone you've never met in person can be an actual friend, but MY internet friends, just prove that love knows no bounds. I honestly some some of these girls whom I have never met. I know they have my back and they know I have theirs. I wish many of them lived closer so our families could bond and be as close as we are. Instead they are scattered around: some up in New England, in the heartland of the US, in sweaty Florida, up in the cold of Canada, and across oceans like England and Australia. Doesnt matter how many miles are between us, our hearts are bound together and tight.

I dont have many real life friends. You know the ones... Friends that are here. Ones you can call to cry to and they can run over with a Frappaccino or an ine cream. The ones with a  real physical shoulder to cry on. Someone to just veg out with or someone to scoop you up and make you do something you normally dread.

I never really had good friends when I look back on things. I had a few in my tight, small circle and lots of people who wanted to be my friend for other reasons. This was all my life until we moved from NY to NC.

We knew no one here in NC (besides my family). I had no car initially. I had no job (I had a brand new baby and a toddler so I wanst looking for one anyway). Just no way to meet people which was okay in that i hated meeting people. I wanted friends though. So, I had joined a moms group years ago looking for some sort of friends. I made friendships I hoped were tighter then they are. Some gals claim we're friends but they go and hang out together and never even think to invite me or my family. I feel like a puppy dog begging for their attention - 'come on, play with me, please???' I kind of gave up on all of them. I'm better than just waiting for my cell to go off. I'm always the odd-man out. I am kind of used to it after all these friggin' years.

I did make 2 close friends but here is the dilemma. I made a close friend, P, but she inevitably would move as she hadn't stayed anywhere for more than a year. It's been close to 2 years now and i know time will run up soon. I hated to let myself get close to someeone who will leave but it happened. Our families got close too. But, this isnt her home. She likes it here, but this is not where she wants to be and her husband's job will take them somewhere else whenever. *sigh*

Then another person, N, whom I get along with very well, well, she might be gone in a few months.... It's inevitable for them too. Next step for her hubby is a move to Chicago. It could be years or it could be really, REALLY soon that he will go. It's not an if, it's a when. Events have possibly moved the whole move thing to to the front burner so, my heart, it's a bit achey.

I am already feeling heartbroken and alone again.. in real life. I know when I'm sad and crying, like I am now, I can go online and in a few clicks, I can have a virtual shoulder and mounds of comments to make me feel better.

So what's the point to this all? The point is, I love my LLB girls (all over). I love my former-bestie, Bits (who is in MD). I love my Ellie (MD). I love you all. I love P & N who are Wakefield moms who one day whether tomorrow or in a few years, will leave to move their families and whom I will probably never see in real life again.

Sorry for my 1st post in a while to be a somber one, but just had to vent/rant/cry/get-it-out. I even tried a drink (Firefly & Lemonade) and it made me feel worse. Anyway, Thanks for reading!

5 comments:

sazzifrazz said...

I totally get it. I don't have many real life friends anymore either. I did in highschool but we all grew in different directions as we got married. I wish LLB lived closer too. Wouldn't it be awesome to have so many things in common!

James'momma said...

I love you too hun!!!!
I cannot wait to see you next month!! Sorry its been way to long since our last visit...
I know how you feel...and you don't deserve that feeling-- you are a wonderful, amazing woman, mother and wife...

1c80d67a-52f6-11e0-bb6b-000bcdca4d7a said...

I understand Tara. All of my close friends are in NY too.

Kristi said...

I totally understand Tara!! That is something my boyfriend may never get.

I wish we lived closer and even though we don't talk often you are a dear friend of mine!!

Samantha said...

I totally understand. I too have few close IRL friends. I have 2 best friends one lives in TX one lives in Fargo, and the one who lives in Fargo has been my best friend for 13 years,but she's single andhas no kids...so we see each other very seldomly. I wish everyone on LLB lived closer (or rather, I closer to their climates, since I live in cold MN)but I know what you mean. I have a hard time being friends with people when A) I can't trust easily, and B) The mutual feeling never seems reciprocated.
HUGS, and always know I am hear for ya!