Thursday, September 15, 2011

Are there things you can't tell your spouse?

I married my best friend.
We didn't really ever date; I dated other people.
We were best friends.

Being best friends, we were open with each other.
Coming from my last 2 relationships, I learned a lot.
I learned what was important to me was:
not losing who I truly am for anyone, not having to hide anything, and listening to my heart.

I never kept anything from Tommy.
There was never a reason to.
He loved me for who I was underneath... and preferred me that way:
no make-up, comfy clothes, sneakers, glasses, hair left curly.
There was nothing I could tell him that would change anything between us.

I remember going to Vegas (which happened to be a turning point in our relationship for me) with him for his close friend's wedding. I dont remember it all, but I remember finding out  he lost some serious cash (I'm talking over a grand) gambling. He didn't tell me. I found out from some of the other guys who were out with him at the time. Anyway, he hid it from me and I was soooooo mad that he did. Not that he lost the money (I mean it annoyed me to lose money but it wasn't mine so how could I be mad), but that he felt he had to hide it from me. I hated that feeling. I made a big deal of it right there on the casino floor. I expressed how he never has to hide things from me and I hope he hasnt' since. But that day, really showed me how open I wanted us to be (and how much I cared about him which is a whole different story).

Years have gone by.... almost 14 since we met and 11 since that Vegas trip.
We got married.
Struggled with life challenges.
Had 3 precious boys.

Life happens.
No one can deny that no matter what we plan, life happens.
Stress happens no matter how much you try to not let it happen.

Stress changes people and things.
Stress changes who we are... snapping at kids, letting words that shouldn't hurt, hurt.

So, for the sake of not adding more stress, I keep things to myself.
Nothing major, of course, just little things.
I don't need him to feel bad about himself or about where we are in life because of me.
So I keep them to myself and cry to myself.
Stupid, petty, material things!
So what prompted this question?
A family friend celebrated their 20th anniversary! yay!
her usually clueless husband bought her a ring that has 20 small/tiny diamonds around the band for the 20-years they've been married.
I cried when I saw it (online).
I was so happy for her, and for them... but I cried for me because while I dont need something like that to know he loves me, I stupidly want something like that!

We'll be married 10 years next month!
We always talked about getting remarried in Vegas for our 10-year anniversary.
It still seemed possible until about 6-years in as we had more and more kids :)
Then I still hoped we could but knew we'd have to scale down.
I kept trying to justify doing something  special/important to us but getting cheaper and cheaper.
Here it is, a month before our anniversary and we can't do anything but be together (which I know is all that matters, I know it is all that matters ultimately and i wish I didnt feel this way, like ever).
My mom's group decided to do an adult Halloween party and it is our anniversary night.
I was backing off from it, but figured that we wouldn't be doing anything else so why not.
Then, I got the idea of going as a bride & groom since it's our wedding anniversary... we'd be dressed like we were 10 years prior but this time the zombie versions of us! :)
Now the challenge of finding a CHEAP wedding dress that will actually fit me comes in - should be interesting.

Anyway, My heart secretly dreams that I get something special or he has some plans he's been hiding, but my brain knows there is no way that either of those could happen.
I can't tell him I cry - everyday - over things  not just that but things.
I cant rell him because he gets mad and then we fight, and then he feels like crap and I hate him hurting.

So ultimately, it comes down to this:
I never thought I'd hide anything from Tommy but I have to.

Do YOU hide ANYTHING from your significant other?


sazzifrazz said...

Tara-While Matt and I aren't struggling financially, I do understand not speaking up. He asks what I want for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries etc. i usually say, "I don't know...nothing really" and thats not entirely true. I want HIM to think of something special. Not because he HAS to but because he wants to. I would rather he bring me on a surprise date to my favorite restaraunt on a Thursday night for no reason other than because he thought of me than to get an expensive thoughtless gift for an occassion. Its all about the meaning behind it.
BTW, i think the halloween costume idea is great!!

Elwood said...

Unless he isn't allowed to read your blog, it would seem to me that you've told him everything. Indirectly, but still. :)

And who need Vegas when there's a Zombie Wedding to plan? It's not even a contest.

James'momma said...

Yes, there are things I have not told Erik. As I also know there are things he has not told me. But in the end, we are also best friends.

And I can't wait to see you in your dress!!

Samantha said...

Tara: Erik and I don't keep secrets, or rather we try not to. I seem to always find out if he hides something from me, and not just secrets, but stuff that he should have told me and forgot what have you. I'm an open book and watched my parents keep secrets, lie, cheat & manipulate each other for 20 years...over my dead body am I going to let that happen to either Erik & I or our children. So we try to tell each other everything.
But like you, I to keep from him my secret of wanting to have "THAT HUSBAND" that brings me home flowers simply because he knows I'm stressed out, or had a bad day...or for him to just look at me(even if I really look like crap and have been up all night nursing a baby (much like I look at this exact moment) and say "Wow, you are beautiful". It seems in my relationship if I don't plan something spontaneous it never gets done,and then we truly miss out on being best friends...and are just an old married couple. HUGS!