I know that I need to compare myself less to others. I shouldn't be jealous of your gorgeous marble floor, or your clothes, or the fact that you have time to shower and beautify yourself every morning. I shouldn't be sad that my heat is broken downstairs. I shouldn't be said that I could only buy my kids a few SMALL present so far for the holidays. I shouldn't cry over what I don't have even though I do on a daily basis.
My family is all healthy. My dad is still alive after having heart issues for over 20 years. My brother is sober. My brother beat cancer. All my kids are perfect. Putting my health stuff aside, we're all very healthy and That is a huge deal.
We have a place to live. We own a house. We have our own beds. We have more than so many other people. Granted the central heating downstairs doesn't work but we're not outside. Our upstairs heat works. Our fireplace downstairs gives off heat, and we have a portable heater to help maintain warmth down here.
I know there are people and families that dont have a place to be, who can't afford ANY toys, and/or aren't healthy in some aspect.
I know I should just be happy but I can't find simple happiness. It's totally hard and I try my best.
I wouldn't want to do anything else than what I do now - being a stay-at-home-mom to my boys. It is the hardest thing to do and the most rewarding. The smiles, the tears, the everything! I would not want to be doing anything else.
That being said, staying home makes me feel worthless because we struggle so hard financially and I'm really not adding very much to help. These feelings are also something I have to deal with on a daily basis.
I don't care for dogs. I love all animals, but I am definitely a cat person. I dont get dogs. It nauseates me to see people letting their dog lick their face. I gag at seeing people bury their heads in the dog's fur. Walking and picking up warm poop? No thanks. I can't stand the smell of dog's - no matter how good you say your dog smells, it doesn't.
I grew up with a dog. I attribute her sweet, kind, devoted nature to my dislike of dogs. I am younger than my my brothers by 8 & 9 years. They were with that dog, Heidi, longer. She protected them like a good dog. They'd joke and tease and pretend I was hurting them, "Heidi, Heidi, she's hurting me" and the dog would bark uncontrollably and I'd get scared and run. She'd chase me until I ran on top of couch where she stayed on the floor barking. Wonder why they scare me a bit? At 17 years old, she was getting pretty sick. She couldn't get up up woudl pee herself. She bit huge chunks of hair off and she just smelled. Maybe that's why I cant stand the dog smell? The licking thing? that's just plain nasty!
I love cats. Cats instantly melt my heart. I can be so sad, so mad, so whatever, and petting Zoë makes it all go away. She's an angel in my life. She sits on my newspaper, jumps on my chest. Sushi yells at me and chases my toes under the sheets. They are cats and I love that about them. They never smell. They dont lick (and if/when they do, at least they are cleaner). They're litter box is a breeze to take car of!
I kind of favor my last child most. I don't know why, but Owen is my angel. He's everything I never knew I wanted (he wasn't planned). Maybe because he's such a little person and by this time my other kids either had a younger sibling or because they started preschool but we're pretty close. I also love the age he's at. I hate that I favor him but I am admitting it here, just this once. I love my boys, all of them, don't get me wrong - I'd do anything for them. They are my world. They are the sparkle in my eye.